A Return to Life
by Musickat18
Summary: Having just left the Silent Brothers, Jem contemplates his upcoming meeting with Tessa. Epilogue from Jem's POV.


**DISCLAIMER: _The Infernal_ Devices and all of its characters belong to Cassandra Clare. I, the writer of this fic, do not own any of the characters. The ideas and events used in this fic largely belong to Cassandra Clare as well. My purpose here is merely to tell the story from a different point of view. I am not profiting at all from the writing hereafter, but but am merely posting this for my own entertainment.**

**Author's Note: I finished Clockwork Princess several days ago and have had this plot bunny jumping around incessantly. Finally today I decided to write it. I hope you enjoy it. Please leave me a review to let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading! :)**

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_"A proposal – an offer of marriage – is a promise. A promise to love and care for someone always." _

_- Jem, _Clockwork Princess

Jem blinked against the sudden brightness of day as he exited through to door to the hidden city which had been his home for one hundred and thirty years. He paused a moment to let his eyes adjust, wholly unused to the brightness of the world after so many years of darkness. The brotherhood had not taken his eyes, for they had known his hope of a cure and return to mortal life, but he had kept them closed for so long that he now felt like a blind man regaining his sight. As he blinked a few more times, the varying sounds and colors of modern day London came in to focus, overwhelming in its intensity. Though he had been present and aware of the changing world around him, as Brother Zachariah he had felt removed, impassive.

_You are now free to return to your life, James Carstairs. _The voice of Brother Enoch, as close to a mentor and friend as was possible in the brotherhood, spoke in his head.

Jem, never one comfortable with words, turned his head to look at the Silent Brother and nodded. "Thank you." He turned back to look at the world in front of him, raising a hand to his silver _parabatai_ rune. "Though I don't know that life exists anymore." He turned back around to say goodbye, but Brother Enoch had already departed. Unsurprised, he took a deep breath and his first real steps back into mortal life. He had requested he be returned to London, though he knew he only had one tie left there.

Tessa.

Jem felt his heart start to speed up with nervous excitement. He swallowed hard, knowing that their yearly meeting was scheduled for tomorrow. The Silent Brothers had expected him to seek out the London Institute for food, clothing, and shelter and had been surprised at his request for mundane money and clothing. He looked down at himself now, wearing jeans and a blue sweater, and wondered, not for the first time, who he was now. He couldn't just return to life as a Shadowhunter; he hadn't been that for over a century. Though he still knew how to fight, he did not know how to fight without his _parabatai_.

He shook his head slightly, realizing that his thoughts were jumping around and that he still had yet to move more than three steps forward. There was a slight breeze, blowing his dark hair across his eyes and he took long strides towards the road. He supposed he should find lodging somewhere, preferably close to the Blackfriar Bridge. He thought about calling for a taxi, but having never ridden in one, he had no idea the cost, nor what it would feel like. Frankly the idea of a taxi ride unnerved him a bit. As he started walking quickly down the sidewalk with his head bent against the breeze, he smiled sadly at the thought that, of all the things he had seen and done over the past one hundred fifty years of his life, riding in a taxi was the thing he found most unnerving.

Though London had been noisy in his youth, Jem couldn't help but think that modern day London, with the cacophony of sounds from car horns, tourists, and other city sounds, was nearly deafening; he had to resist the urge to cover his ears. Though he had often during his tenure in the Silent City felt himself yearning for the sounds of music, conversation, and other every day noises, after a life in the brotherhood, he had grown used to the nearly constant quiet. And to be a Silent Brother had meant using his senses differently; even when he had been surrounded by noise and the sounds of battle, it had been as if at a distance. To be surrounded now by so much noise after so many years of silence was more than a little unnerving.

After wandering around for nearly an hour in search of a hotel he could afford he finally found one and now found himself standing at a window of a room at the city below. The hotel receptionist had raised her eyebrows at his providing cash for his stay, but had not commented. Neither had she commented at his refusal of a bellhop due to a lack of luggage. He looked down now at the busy street below, watching as cars, busses, and passersby alike scurried like tiny ants.

He felt restlessness, a desire to be moving, but he knew that any movement he made would only lead him to Blackfriar Bridge, knew that it was a yearning to see Tessa that was its cause. Jem closed his eyes as he contemplated their meeting tomorrow. He felt a rush of emotions at the thought and swallowed hard, still getting used to the headiness of everyday emotions.

What would he say to her? They had been little more than children the last time they had spoken of love. He had been witness to the love Tessa had for Will, a love not entirely unlike his own for his _parabatai_. In the years after Will's death, he had seen the pain etched on Tessa's face, though she had tried to hide it from him. Was there anything remaining of the love she had once had for him? And if there was, would their love always be saturated with the shadows of her first love with Will?

What would he say to her?

Jem felt his pulse quicken just thinking about trying to find the right words. He longed for a violin, idly wondering if Tessa still had his old one or if he'd have to find a new one. If he had a violin he could simply play his feelings. His love for Tessa had never diminished, even when under the influence of the Silent Brother's runes, but he was not the same person he had been all those years ago. Though he looked young, he had lived for one hundred and fifty years, had fought in battles, seen much of death and life. He was a no longer a boy. What if he was no longer the person Tessa had loved? What if too much time had passed?

As he lay in bed that night, the same questions swirled through his mind, keeping him awake, though he desperately wished for sleep to pass the time. Instead, amidst the questions, he thought of his past. He thought of Will, of the times they had seen one another after and of the times they had shared before.

It wasn't until nearly three in the morning that Jem found himself crying. He cried for the lost time with his _parabatai._ He cried for the years he had missed with his friends. He cried for the things he had not felt as a Silent Brother, and for the things which he had and which had set him apart from the rest of the brotherhood. When he had been merely James Carstairs, he had focused most of his time on simply living. He had not begrudged a single moment of his borrowed time and had not wished to dwell on the things he could not change. As Brother Zachariah his emotions had been detached enough that the feelings of loss had been dulled. He had felt them, and in the early days of his brotherhood he could have let them overwhelm him, but he had decided to devote himself to his new life rather than dwelling on the past. The ability to freely mourn his life, to be free of apathy and free of an immediate death, felt both liberating and extremely overwhelming.

Eventually he fell asleep and dreamt of Tessa. Even in his sleep he dreamt memories of his time with her. He dreamt of the first time he had seen her, walking boldly into his room in the middle of the night, hearing him play his violin. He dreamt of their engagement, the rush of relief he had felt as she had said yes. When he woke up he had a smile on his face, something which hadn't happened to him in a very long time.

After leaving the hotel, he ate breakfast at a nearby café. The food of the Silent Brothers left something to be desired and Jem couldn't help but look forward to many more good meals to make up for the mediocre ones he had become accustomed to. After breakfast, there were still several hours left before he was due to meet Tessa. He spent the time wandering around London, marveling at its change, trying to plan his words to Tessa.

He kept coming back to the same question. How did he convey his desire to share a life with her? His desire to marry her had never fully diminished, but was it even possible that Tessa still loved him, or could learn to love him again?

In his wanderings, he found himself at Blackfriar Bridge an hour early. He looked out across the water, thankful that at least one thing from his past remained unchanged. The water continued to flow, impervious to the changes surrounding it.

He was still standing at one end of the bridge and looking out at the river, trying to collect his thoughts, when he caught Tessa walking by out of the corner of his eye and felt his breath hitch. To an onlooker, she would appear to be an ordinary teenage girl. She didn't appear to be more twenty, and was, so he assumed, fashionably dressed. Her hair was long and blowing slightly in the breeze. He watched her sit on one of the cement benches and curl her feet underneath herself. He wondered what she was thinking about. He spent the next several minutes simply staring at her profile, watching the breeze throw tendrils of hair across her face, and felt his heart stutter.

He had waited so long in the hopes of a moment when he could come back to Tessa as Jem Carstairs instead of Brother Zachariah and now all he felt was fear. He closed his eyes, telling himself that he could do this, and started walking towards her. When he reached her, he stood for a moment before calling out her name.

He saw her shoulders freeze and stuck his hands into his pockets, feeling shy and unsure of himself. When she turned around slowly, he smiled, unsure what else to do. Her shock was evident but he didn't know what it meant. Was she happy to see him? Did she think he had any expectations of her?

When she asked him where he would go, whether he would go to the London Institute, he froze. He had given very little thought to where he would go and what he would do, so he spoke honestly with her, of his feelings about being a Shadowhunter without his _parabatai_.

He started to tell her of his hopes when he noticed Tessa's anniversary bracelet and stopped. He touched it, feeling sad for both himself and her that Will was no longer alive. Perhaps the fact that she still wore it was an indication that she was not ready for another love.

Feeling bold, Jem asked her if she had loved anyone else, hoping she would say she had loved him. Instead she stuttered and hedged the question. He found himself speaking of the past, of their past, and was about to declare his hopes when he felt his fear in his throat and broke off.

It had been foolish to think that after all these years, there could be anything left of the love that had made Tessa say yes all those years ago. Though he had greatly anticipated this meeting, in his own humiliation Jem walked away quickly, back to the place he had been standing before. He stared out at the water, cursing himself for being a fool, for expecting too much after so many years. Tessa's question regarding his future loomed before him and he began to dwell. He had given no thought to his life past this meeting today. Where did he go? He had not lied to Tessa about being a shadowhunter. That life did not hold the value for him that it once had.

When a hand pulled him around and Tessa was once again standing in front of him, Jem could only feel shock. She had followed him. She asked him to finish his sentence, but he couldn't. Every sentence he had tried had come out all wrong. When she grabbed his wrists, he didn't know what to expect, still reeling with shock at having her follow him.

Her declaration of love left him nearly speechless, so little had he been expecting it. When she let go of his wrist he longed to reach out for her, instantly missing the contact, but before he could act on it she pulled out the jade pendant he had long ago given her, as a wedding present. He closed his eyes, yet again feeling overwhelmed by emotions. To hear Tessa say that she feared he would think she had expectations was like hearing his own fear parroted back at him. He opened his eyes and stared at her then, drinking in the sight of her and marveling that even after so many years, she still understood his music.

At last Jem voiced his greatest fear, that he was not the boy she had known. He watched her eyes roam over his face, as if searching for something of the boy he had once been, but when she spoke, it was to say that the years had changed her as well and to ask him to be with her.

He had cupped her cheek, and his thumb had caressed her cheekbone as he marveled at her declaration. It did not seem possible that after all these years he should finally be getting what he has so long desired. Before he knew it, his arms were around her, telling her he would go, and knowing he would follow her the rest of his life. He breathed in the scent of her hair and then drew back, wanting so desperately to kiss her, but still feeling shy. She spoke Mandarin to him, telling him not to worry as she kissed his face. When her lips finally touched his, he lost all sense of time, of awareness of others. The only thing he knew was kissing Tessa, his Tessa.

After what felt like several minutes, his hands still cupping her face, Jem pulled back, just far enough to stare into her eyes.

"Wo hui wei ni de ai he guanxin zong shi, Tessa Gray."

_I will love and care for you always._

"Zhengru wo hui yongyuan ai ni, James Carstairs," she replied smiling.

_As I will love you._


End file.
